Episode 46: Dork Band (59:00)

Featuring much love for iPhone apps, just a smidgen of MGS4, the Too Human demo, nabbing trophies in Super Stardust HD, NCAA Football 09, first-blush E3 impressions, and Tales from the G-string.

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Episode 45: You Got Servered (53:33)

Featuring Mexican’t, firmware woes, blowin’ up our server, a 2007 vs. 2008 video game steel cage match, and a listener-submitted Tales from the G-string.

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When I came home with my shiny new Xbox 360 waaaaaay back in 2005, one of my favorite features of the console was the dashboard. The blades were an amazing leap from the clumsy interface of the original Xbox, offering all sorts of expanded control, options, and content that I didn’t even imagine in the previous generation’s hardware.

But nothing lasts forever, and after a few years of noble service, the Xbox 360 dashboard is really starting to show its age and, worse, its limitations. You can find hints of these shortcomings in Microsoft’s recent actions. The back-to-back May announcements of no Spring update and the delisting of selected Xbox Live Arcade titles suggested larger issues. Even the comments made by Microsoft executives on the topic were telling—like when Xbox Live GM Marc Whitten said of the decision not to offer a Spring dashboard update that they were instead:

“building the proper infrastructure and scale for the service.”

Or when Aaron Greenberg commented on the delisting of Xbox Live Arcade games:

“I think that we are not, I would say…happy with the ability to find and discover content as easily as we’d like for consumers to be able to do that.”

So, Microsoft acknowledges the problem. Is there a solution? I think so. Lots of them, actually. We’ve spent some time on our recent podcasts talking about the need for a dashboard 2.0. I decided to take it a step further, look at what exists currently, and suggest some ways to improve things—yes, for Microsoft—but primarily for Xbox 360 users.

*note: I’m in no way imagining that what I propose below is the solution, or even necessarily a solution. My point, instead, is that solutions exist—and we need ‘em.*

Examining the 360 dashboard as it looks today

I started by dissecting the current dashboard, breaking it down into four main color-coded components: gold user space (your gamercard, messages, etc.), blue interactive space (menus, buttons, and the like), red advertising space (the real estate Microsoft is using to ply their wares), and purple unused space. Chopping it up that way looked something like this (click any screen below for the 720p version):

Rearranging those fields demonstrates one of the dashboard’s chief problems for an Xbox 360 user:

When I fire up my console, I don’t want to be greeted by the Xbox 360 dashboard. I want to be greeted by my dashboard. So why is my share of the screen the smallest by far? I suppose you could argue that you can buy themes to adorn the blades as well, but they get completely obscured by both the interface and, more egregiously, the advertising. I’d rather not see advertising on my dashboard at all, but I’ll address that later.

The amount of unused space is alarming as well. As a graphic designer, I fully understand the importance and function of white space, but what exists in the current dashboard isn’t really that. It’s just . . . dead. Those pixels could be put to much better use. I’m certain that some measure of this is due to their desire to create an interface that is 4:3 SDTV-friendly—and that’s an admirable concern. But I think it’s a bad idea to hinder the experience of a high-def owner. If anything, the interface should be designed for widescreen HD and scaled down to accommodate those poor, unfortunate 480i souls.

So, what would you do, smartypants?

Acknowledging that I’m not a particularly technical person (I’m sure all this is a real pain to implement in reality), it still occurs to me that there are some relatively simple fixes that could result in a much better user experience from the dashboard. So I pulled the existing dashboard apart and reassembled it—while trying to maintain the look and feel of the 360 dash—to reflect some of the features I think are must-haves in a revised console interface. Here’s a look at a possible redesigned dashboard:

Some of the added features you’ll notice right off the bat include

• a search function—both to search what’s on your console and on the Marketplace. I know it’s a pain to type with the controller, but I’d still wager I can fumble around the d-pad to spell “Precipice” before I can navigate to Penny Arcade Adventures using the blades.
• hot keys—navigating the dashboard uses primarily the A, B, LT, and RT buttons. It would be nice to be able to assign X, Y, LB, and RB to specific functions in the dashboard or Marketplace, like bookmarks in a web browser. For example, if I like to check what’s new in the Marketplace every week, I could map that to the X button and jump right to it. Or if I want to go straight to my XBLA games, I could map that to the Y button and forget about moving through a number of screens to find them. As shown in this example, I’ve just mapped them to the other blades on the main dashboard.
• disc tray detail—the PS3 lets you see a nifty little video icon to show what’s in the system. I’d settle for some box art or one screen, along with some details on my progress in the game.
• reversal of ad and user space—in this example, the dashboard would be dominated by my content with a larger, clearly visible wallpaper or theme, and a bigger gamerpic. I’ll relent and say that there could be some advertising on the dashboard, but I’d limit it to a standard web-size banner ad and the Inside Xbox feature with rolling updated headlines, because I’d hate to miss out on Major Nelson awkwardly staring into the camera.

This division of space makes more sense to me. It feels more like my dashboard and less like an advertising platform I have to wade through to play my games. Mapped out as previously done with the existing dash, it looks like this:

Again, rearranging those fields yields this:

A much better, and more appropriate balance. It’s worth mentioning that this approach also yields basically no wasted space—it’s all been reclaimed for the user. ¡Viva la revolución!

Is that all you got?

Not exactly. I haven’t given extensive thought to every blade (I question my sanity for doing this much mucking about, fer chrissakes), but I did also spend some time thinking about what features the Marketplace needs to serve me better. Here’s a peek:

Some of the added elements here that would make shopping much more handy are

• user ratings—Microsoft has often talked about XBLA (and XNA) becoming “the YouTube of gaming.” Content on YouTube lives or dies based on user ratings. That same law should be applied to XBLA—anyone who has purchased the full game should have the chance to rate it. Frankly, I’d be more comfortable seeing a game get delisted as a result of lousy user ratings than I would as a result of lousy Metacritic scores.
• better sorting—I think a number of sorting options would aid my shopping experience immensely. Let me sort by date, user rating, alphabetically, etc. Also, make it easy for me to see what’s free on the Marketplace.
• show me the money—I want to know what a game costs without clicking to its page to find out. Similarly, I’d like to have my points balance on the screen at all times, not just when I’m preparing to buy something.
• ok, NOW advertise—once I’m in the store, I’m fair game. You wanna load up the Marketplace with a wall of ads? Do your worst. Just keep it away from the other blades.

With E3 only a couple weeks away, I’m keeping my fingers crossed that we’ll see a revamped dashboard from Microsoft for the Xbox 360—one that is more focused on me, and less on them. What would you want from “dashboard 2.0″? Drop us a comment and let us know. And if you want to spread the word (and the love), digg it.

Episode 44: Goin’ Over the Top (42:03)

Featuring neighbors with lumber, GRiD, Metal Gear Solid 4, Tom Clancy’s EndWar, listener mail, and a tearful goodbye to Jeff Bell.

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Episode 43: The Sticky Icky (40:07)

Featuring The Bourne Conspiracy, Lego Indiana Jones, Battlefield Bad Company, contrasting the Afrika and Saints Row 2 trailers, a forum thread for the ages, and . . . Tales from the G-String.

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Episode 42: Wii Don’t Fit (49:07)

Even though we’re a man down, we “man-up” and discuss Haze, Penny Arcade Adventures, Wii Fit, extending the life of GTA through VHS, a rednexican’s view of the NASCAR 09 demo, and the winner of our Tales from the G-string contest.

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Episode 41: Hermione Granger and the Panini Chamber (40:45)

Featuring rude Mothers’ Day awakenings, just a living, breathing smidgen of GTA IV, Space Invaders Extreme, Grid, Haze, the Bourne Conspiracy, the MS Gamers’ Day, and a selection of perversion from the forums.

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Update: We recorded the show a day early this week, and it wouldn’t be fair to select a winner a day before the stated deadline. So, you now have until our next episode—May 30th—to submit your entries (or refine the ones you’ve already submitted).

As mentioned in our latest episode, we’re giving away a copy of Grand Theft Auto IV for your platform of choice. All you have to do is share your best Tales from the G-string story with us. (For those who tune out when Sooch gets graphic, that means an anecdote of debauchery that takes place in a strip club, brothel, or other business of ill-repute.) You can submit them as a written story, an audio recording, a YouTube video—hell—we’ll accept an interpretive dance. Just keep in mind they’ll be judged by the man himself, so be creative and do your best to raise his eyebrows. Submit your entries to feedback@thefanboys.com by Friday, May 16th.

Good luck, perverts!

Episode 40: Niko Belichick (58:40)

Featuring—of course—loads of GTA IV prattle, Echochrome, vertigo, Mario Kart, Endless Ocean, fetish categories even we’ve never heard of, and your chance to win a copy of Grand Theft Auto IV.

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Episode 39: Sexshop Quartet (54:00)

Our first XX (chromosome) episode! Featuring another special guest, GT5 Prologue, the GTA IV hype tipping point, Wii Fit, Viking: Battle for Asgard, Sega Superstars Tennis, shopping for “toys,” listener mail, our new forums, and Tales from the G-string.

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Episode 38: Room for the Holy Spirit (48:01)

Featuring the joys of PS3 for a non-gamer (our very own “Announcer Guy,” filling in for an absentee Sooch), Unreal Tournament III & its perilous user-created content, Gamerscore crimes and misdemeanors, Crisis Core, Ninja Gaiden DS, Vegas 2, and . . . Tales from the Mormon Youth Dance?

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Episode 37: Stand By Me (1:05:32)

Featuring Smash Brothers Brawl, Condemned 2, Army of Two, the Resident Evil Umbrella Chronicles foreplay zombie apocalypse, God of War, Bully, Burnout, and listener mail.

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Episode 36: Deep Tissue (44:30)

Featuring TMI about Sooch’s posterior, Bully 360, God of War: Chains of Olympus, The Club, Army of Two, listener mail, GTA IV, how to reload your AR-15 when one arm has been shot, and Tales from the G-string.

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Episode 35: Neapolitan (51:50)

Featuring Gears of War 2, Epic and Unreal Engine 3, Lost Odyssey, polishing off 2007 (Mass Effect, Assassin’s Creed, and Half-Life 2: Episode 2), Professor Layton, the HD-DVD denouement, and Tales from the G-string.

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Episode 34: Roid Rage (43:31)

Featuring Devil May Cry 4, pronunciation pet peeves, Rez HD, Pixel Junk Monsters, life lessons for your daughters, the dangers of in-car SMS, the video which shall not be named, and Tales from the G-string.

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Looking to dip your toe into the shark-infested waters of 360 hardware? Already have a 360, but you want to roll, Sooch-style, with a console for every room of the house? Well, here’s your chance to win one in what has to be the easiest contest on the ‘net.

All you have to do is tap out a brief forum post (minimum 100 words) explaining your irrational—but completely platonic—love for Platform Nation. That’s it. All the entries will be judged by head honcho, Steve519, who will base his decision on equal parts creativity and spelling (no comment on grammar, so maybe no have be good long as right spelling make). The winner scores a brand-spankin’-new Xbox 360. And one runner-up will receive a Halo 2 Collector’s Edition, signed by the band Incubus. Plus—The Fanboys will be awarding a very special, as-yet-unnamed prize (but better than Undertow, for fuck’s sake) for outstanding use of the word “defenestration.”

Make your post here.

Good luck!

Episode 33: Asian Fit (36:15)

Featuring Xbox Live paybacks, Omega Five, girls and the Wii, Rock Band stage fright, rocking the 80s, the Turok demo, enough politically incorrect statements in one episode to last all year, and Tales from the G-string.

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Episode 32: Five Bucks? (52:53)

Featuring casual Christmas shopping tragedies, Rock Band, risking young lives for the love of Bravia, Xbox Live outages and outrages, our favorite games of 2007, and Fotu!

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Episode 31: Monsters of Watch (1:01:00)

Featuring scavenging in-laws, Unreal Tournament 3, Mario Galaxy, Geometry Wars: Galaxies, 3,700 reasons to question Sooch’s sanity, the Eidos Defense Force, and Christmastime for nerds.

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Episode 30: A Farewell to Dick (1:10:10)

Featuring impressions of every game ever (CoD4, Kane and Lynch, Soldier of Fortune, Time Shift, Black Site, Need for Speed, Mass Effect, Assassin’s Creed, Uncharted, Mario Galaxy, Rock Band), some hot pillow talk, friends of our friends, and an embarrassing overuse of the word “binging.”

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Episode 29: Brought to you by… (50:00)

Featuring back pain-forced celibacy, Circuit City Bait & Switch, Call of Duty 4, the Uncharted demo, a very special gym class, a questionable cellphone conversation, and lots more. Plus, thanks to our sponsors, we could afford to have a fourth voice in the mix—welcome back:

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Anyone who’s played World of Warcraft knows the feeling of fascination—and embarrassment—that comes from typing the /played command to see just how much time you’ve frittered away slaying murlocs. Well, Xbox 360 owners have a similar source to see their shame laid bare.

It’s called The Live Eye and, once you’ve signed up, it tracks everything you play—retail games, arcade games, demos, betas, even the time you’ve spent downloading content from the Marketplace (which can be truly scary). I signed up in April of this year and check out my profile pretty regularly. Sometimes it’s shocking how much time I’ve sunk into games I don’t really even like. Check them out, sign up, and post your profile here if you’re man enough to admit you’ve spent four-and-a-half days soaking in the awesomeness that is Bionicle Heroes.

Episode 28: Credit Where It’s Due (34:35)

Featuring two-thirds of The Fanboys (Sooch threw his back out screwing your mom last night) taking full credit for Samba de Amigo coming to the Wii. Also: the last time we’re going to talk about Halo 3, some Phantom Hourglass chat, Orange Box gushing, the predictability of Nintendo’s release schedule, and the Kevin Smith Superman movie that never was.

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One of our favorite gaming podcasts (just check the links on the right side of our page) is celebrating their one year anniversary. Yeah, we started before them—but they’ve only recorded twice as many shows as we have. Seriously, an independent podcast recording 52 weeks without missing an episode? These cats are the iron men of internet nerd radio. So, congratulations to CJ, Greg, Phil, and Dave. And thanks for the entertainment.

You can check out their 52nd episode here (though I’d recommend you just hit the iTunes store and subscribe)

Episode 27: Legends of the Fall (35:00)

Featuring tall tales of the Legendary Edition, Wii Fit and waitresses conspiring against the full-figured, ill-advised discussions of mergers and acquisitions, the first wave of the autumn game tsunami, and the shame of parent/teacher conference.

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Episode 26: Drinking the Game Fuel-Aid (46:00)

Featuring sleep apnea, tales from the Halo launch, first impressions (and depressions) of the campaign & multiplayer, a debate on the merits of realism in shooters—prompted by Call of Duty 4, and enough shameless Heavenly Sword gushing to make Dave Halverson cringe.

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If you were Sooch’s boss, you might contend that bringing in a Halo 3 Edition Xbox 360, hooking it up, and playing it during work would be the most disturbing thing about this image. But you’d be wrong.

Keen-eyed viewers will catch the truly troubling part of this candid workplace moment. It’s right here:

Yup—he’s playing Madden 08 at the office. And yup—the game is paused and zoomed in on the ass of a bent-over San Francisco 49er.

Sometimes “WTF” just doesn’t cover it.

Episode 25: 1-976-4MYXBOX (1:06:03)

A super-sized lunch featuring another pair of red ring heartbreaks, a GameStop altercation, Warhawk, CoD4 beta, Heavenly Sword, Lair and why game reviews suck ass, fitting in with the iPhonies, and the sexiest customer support in the console industry. 80% more audio for the same low price!

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The bad news: We had to postpone the internet’s most-anticipated podcast because Sooch, in his own inimitable fashion, decided to camp outside a West Valley City Gamestop for four long days in anticipation of the McFarlane-designed Halo 3 controllers.

The good news: He was the first (and only) person in line and managed to get one! (we’re told by sources close to the family that the object in his right hand is a churro and not, as was previously reported, a deep-fried donkey boner)

Other good news: We’ll be back soon!

Episode 24: Every Rose Has Its Porn (32:00)

Featuring another victim of the PS3 “price drop,” shackin’ up with Sooch’s in-laws, innovations in PS3 voice chat, Two Worlds schadenfreude, playing Devil’s advocate on Bioshock, the Skate demo, and the true measure of a guitar hero.

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Episode 23: Mushroom Kingdom (38:33)

Featuring Sooch’s two-hour power shower, look who’s buying a green 360, Stranglehold, Warhawk, an iPhone reality check, Picross DS, a visit from Bill Brasky, and more tales from a third-floor men’s room.

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Featuring Shadowrun, Gamestop profiling, Heavenly Sword demo, the red ring strikes a Fanboy, and the worst Major Nelson impression—ever.

Even though we’re a man down, we can’t let E3 pass by without some discussion about the games, press conferences, and bird rape that–wait, what?

Featuring iPhone love, Transformers tough love, 1600 reasons to fear the fall, The Darkness, Super Stardust HD, and Rod Karsnak!

Featuring how to love yourself (and not get caught), more Forza, Call of Juarez, Planet Puzzle League, our earliest forays in porn, and the birth of the Sooch Twitter–God help us all.

Episode 18: Jeffrick (47:00)

Our anniversary podcastacular! Featuring Sooch takes a hike (and touches the dead), Gamestop shopping, Halo 3 beta stress, upscaling on the PS3, DiRT, Riddick, your ringtone sucks, a bit of listener feedback, and a contest that’s way too hard for you to win.

Episode 17: Van Turismo (34:26)

Featuring weighing in on Sooch’s weight, Spider-Man 3, real and pretend driving accomplishments, Marketplace exchange rates, the new Gears maps and the perils of friendly fire, Catan & bored games, and tales of a first-grade weiner.

Episode 16: The Anatomical Strum Bar (33:56)

Featuring Clitar Hero, a trip to Pornotube, Game-onomics, the Ninja Gaiden Sigma demo, new Halo 2 maps, rediscovering the PSP, and–I has a flavor.

Episode 15: Little Bigot Planet (34:00)

Featuring sweet setups, much ado about Real Dolls, Gears Annex and the assholes who play it, a Wii game (!), Guitar Hero 2 DLC, and the PR stylings of MS—all punctuated by an intrusive J-pop soundtrack!

However, unlike a real pecker contest (not that I would know), where the contestant members are always accompanied by a complete, occasionally attractive, human body, the Post Your Setup! pics are more commonly the equivalent of taking a glorious John Holmesian schlong—and stapling it to a two-by-four. Because, while gamers appear to have come to terms with spending two grand on a kick-ass HDTV, that’s more or less where the “Setup!” portion of “Post Your Setup!” ends.

Here, collected for your perusal, are a handful of the incredible setup pics Sooch gathered on a recent stroll through the interwebs (before winding up at realdoll.com, contemplating the wisdom in purchasing a $7,000 silicone vacation home for his knob):

The 32″ LCD was a bargain at $1,200, but Pier 1 wanted a fortune for the table. I think the barstool looks better anyway. Besides, everyone knows rattan has the tensile strength of steel.

“It’s so thin, you can hang it on the wall” sounds great in the store. They forget to mention that you still have to, like, plug it in and shit. Oh, and please remember to wipe your feet on the rug before changing the disc. kthx

If these walls—or, well, this wallpaper—could talk, I’m sure it would say, “I just can’t bear to watch another date rape.”

I can’t make it on a couple of high-altitude frags once or twice a year! You are too much for me Fenix, you son of a whoreson bitch! I wish I knew how to quit you.

Er, um, you know what? On second thought, I’m going to pass on attaching a snarky comment to this one. *shudder*

Of course, there are always those who, like the 65-year-old guy in the locker room, aren’t a bit ashamed to show off their sad, flaccid appendages too. Even in the midst of all these 40+ inchers and massive Ps (some up to 1080!), they’ll peek out from behind the towel to show you how the other half-foot lives.

Am I begging for an earthquake? You’re goddamn right I’m begging for an earthquake!

Honestly, if you’re going to play Perfect Dark Zero and Kameo, a 13″ Orion seems like the appropriate television. Just be sure to record your best performances on that—whattayacallit?—oh yeah, VCR.

What’s the perfect furniture selection to complement this rather exotic arrangement?

Exactly—a piss-stained couch, a splintered plank, and a rug that hasn’t seen a vacuum since the Hoover administration.

Those are some of our favorites. How about you? If you encounter any noteworthy setups on your travels, feel free to post a link here, send us a pic at setups@thefanboys.com, or digg this article.
Until next time…

You stay classy, internetz!

A trio of nerds escape the office, go to lunch, and talk about their various geekdoms (primarily video games) over a chorus of annoying ambient noise.

Episode 14: For the Troops (43:00)

Featuring Mullet Bitch, God of War 2, Puzzle Quest, and The Elder Scrolls IV x 4 (16?). Plus, more folding@home chat than you can fold a protein at, the GTA IV trailer, 360 1337, and “pretty lady…bad mouth.”

Episode 13: Rednexican (33:00)

Featuring Sooch’s $850 piece of ass, returning to Halo 2 (?!), yet more Playstation Home and Little Big Planet banter, God of War 2, the PS3’s Blu-Ray killer app, emergent explosive gameplay in Crackdown, and the three guys in the world who don’t give a rat’s ass about Spore.

Episode 12: The Potato Salad Conundrum (29:00)

Featuring Silent G’s late arrival to the 360 party, **CURT YOU HAVE A CALL ON LINE 4** Crackdown, some great [Xbox] reward, PS3 reborn, **RANDY DIAL 1203, RANDY 1203** another Sony PR faux pas, random distasteful Xbox Live encounters, **JANICE LINE 2, JANICE LINE 2** and a moving tribute to Michael Hutchence.

Episode 11: Don’t Rock the Boat! (28:46)

Featuring games we’ve actually *gasp* finished, the last 360 straw for Silent G, the siren song of Xbox Rewards, color Sooch’s music sadd, personal calls from Gamestop, and, apparently, the finest fried banana—ever.

A trio of nerds escape the office, go to lunch, and talk about their various geekdoms (primarily video games) over a chorus of annoying ambient noise.

Episode 10: Wasabi Mouse Head (28:58)

Featuring bad analogies, Hotel Dusk, worse analogies, Castlevania: Infatuation of Sooch, celebrity stalking on Xbox Live, and the exclusive world premiere of the Crackdown theme song.

Surreptitious (and brief) recordings of random interactions with video game store clerks.

Episode 4: The Trojan Horstachio (2:21)

Featuring Sooch’s futile attempt to procure some interactive barnyard porn.

A trio of nerds escape the office, go to lunch, and talk about their various geekdoms (primarily video games) over a chorus of annoying ambient noise.

Episode 9: Whither Sooch? (41:49)

Featuring our predictions for the best games of 2007, a reluctant return to Azeroth, release date cynicism, and the joy of hate.

With our special guest and honorary fanboy, game industry insider (because we’re pretty sure he’s been inside someone in the game industry):